Negotiation
Communicaiton is the basis of our community. Negotiation creates the safety net, so necessary for some of the very emotionally extreme things we do.
Most importantly, though, is your communication with yourself. You must think about what you are about to do, and why you are doing it. I mean the real reason. Think it through.
2. Think about what makes you scared
3. Think about what happens inside when you are scared.
4. How well do you know the people you are going to do S/m with? And if you don’t know them, what do you know about them?
5. How do you know they will do as they say?
S/m can take many forms. A scene is a controlled situation where everyone involved participates in the pre-negotiation and after-care.
As an experienced TOP I am concerned about the needs, desires, and limits of others. I believe TOPs have limit too!!! Each participant must know themselves. If not, the play can be disasterous. And, after all, we do this to get off. It is supposed to be enjoyable!
One of the easiest ways to clear your mind as to what you must communicate to everyone involved in your scene is to create a list right now.
Take a sheet of paper or in Microsoft Word (dunno what MAC users have as a Word Processing Program) and fold in 3 columns. Label them YES, NO, MAYBE and then you are on your way. Of course, over time some things move from one list to another, so it is a good idea to date the list.
Some topics you will want to include. And trust me, you do want to include them…for example I once played with a woman who did not tell me her mental health history….
Be sure to include information about:
1. Medication
I learned a great negotiation skill from Cleo Dubois. It is to ask, show me what you look like when the scene is working. Show me what your body looks like when the scene is not working.
An important factor is you as a bottom get nervous cause you are so attracted to the TOP. It is essential you get out of bottom space and remember this is about your total health after the scene. And, you are responsible for that. It is also a part of ensuring you have fun. You communicate what you want
Even experienced players need to negotiate. And you may have scened together before, it is necessary to check in. I personally like to keep it formal. Of course, over time, it is somewhat informal because a part of the process is feeling out eachother and building the heat/energy.
The negotiation is ongoing. Throughout the connection process from initial contact pertaining to this scene, all the way to the after calls. During the scene, the top “reads” the bottom; this is why I don’t appreciate “brave little soldiers”. I am working hard to extract these feelings from you; I would like to experience them with you.
TOPs/DOMs are not all the same, although we are very much alike. I like to ride the energy. I used to call it inviting you onto my magic carpet.
Everyone involved is responsible for creating a great scene.
Headspace is an important consideration. I did a scene once with a lover, not knowing she was not doing well. I don’t know why I had not noticed…but fact is, I didn’t.
I know for people not of this scene, all this communication stuff seems overdone and a turnoff. But, for us/me it is exactly the opposite. The better the communication, the hotter the scene can be. After all, having the arena established leaves room for true freedom.
During the time we are creating the “dance”, I discuss and flirt. One of the questions is: “Tell me about your fantasies. Describe what is going on.”
“What do you want out of the scene? Describe to me what it would look like? What is going on? Be as specific as possible.”
“What is the flavor of the scene? Are you engaged in the activity? A participant in that you deserve this. Or did you earn it.”
If you are a TOP where does your head go? Are you looking to have certain things done? As the bottom, are their certain things the scene just has to include to make it as perfect as possible? Basically, you want to run through your fantasy in your head, this will trigger the right questions and ways to create the fantasy in real life.
I like a bottom to write me about their ideas and thoughts beforehand. That helps me understand them.
Many times I have used an interrogation type style. I have a clipboard with my list and go through it with the bottom. I may or may not.
Boundaries and limits are a topic of themselves. I will begin a little today.
STOP is not a word that bottoms seem to be comfortable with. Yet it is their most important word. The sub/bottom must learn about themselves enough to be able to somehow communicate their “limit”.
This is crucial. As I try to describe why, it occurs to me that we are mostly talking about new situations. Many relationships move way beyond this and the entire responsibility of the subs well-being is transferred to the DOM.
What this means is there is an incredible amount of weight on the TOP. You want to know exactly who they are and who they are under “all” circumstances. This takes time. There are several ways you can find this out.
1. Observe them over time
2. Talk to people in the community who’s opinion you respect
3. Check-out what their stance in the community is
4. Talk to them (but remember you are getting “their” opinion
If it is all about a short scene you want to do now… you can still find out a few things
1. Have they been around a while? What have you observed about other scenes they have done?
2. What is it about them that attracts you?
3. Ask questions
4. Look around and see if someone there knows them and ask questions
We, in the S/m community appreciate the above. We know how important it is and will attempt to help. Please be aware it is not about gossip. Do not be afraid to ask. It is about your health. And, your health is the health of our entire community.
And don’t forget. What turns you on may not turn on someone else. That is what negotiation is about. It is not about you personally. It is about whether or not it is a good match to have “fun”.
Do your fantasies match? Will you be able to create a “dance” together?
And, by talking about it, you may come to new ideas and possible pushing and expanding of your limits.
To be continued
Most importantly, though, is your communication with yourself. You must think about what you are about to do, and why you are doing it. I mean the real reason. Think it through.
2. Think about what makes you scared
3. Think about what happens inside when you are scared.
4. How well do you know the people you are going to do S/m with? And if you don’t know them, what do you know about them?
5. How do you know they will do as they say?
S/m can take many forms. A scene is a controlled situation where everyone involved participates in the pre-negotiation and after-care.
As an experienced TOP I am concerned about the needs, desires, and limits of others. I believe TOPs have limit too!!! Each participant must know themselves. If not, the play can be disasterous. And, after all, we do this to get off. It is supposed to be enjoyable!
One of the easiest ways to clear your mind as to what you must communicate to everyone involved in your scene is to create a list right now.
Take a sheet of paper or in Microsoft Word (dunno what MAC users have as a Word Processing Program) and fold in 3 columns. Label them YES, NO, MAYBE and then you are on your way. Of course, over time some things move from one list to another, so it is a good idea to date the list.
Some topics you will want to include. And trust me, you do want to include them…for example I once played with a woman who did not tell me her mental health history….
Be sure to include information about:
1. Medication
I learned a great negotiation skill from Cleo Dubois. It is to ask, show me what you look like when the scene is working. Show me what your body looks like when the scene is not working.
An important factor is you as a bottom get nervous cause you are so attracted to the TOP. It is essential you get out of bottom space and remember this is about your total health after the scene. And, you are responsible for that. It is also a part of ensuring you have fun. You communicate what you want
Even experienced players need to negotiate. And you may have scened together before, it is necessary to check in. I personally like to keep it formal. Of course, over time, it is somewhat informal because a part of the process is feeling out eachother and building the heat/energy.
The negotiation is ongoing. Throughout the connection process from initial contact pertaining to this scene, all the way to the after calls. During the scene, the top “reads” the bottom; this is why I don’t appreciate “brave little soldiers”. I am working hard to extract these feelings from you; I would like to experience them with you.
TOPs/DOMs are not all the same, although we are very much alike. I like to ride the energy. I used to call it inviting you onto my magic carpet.
Everyone involved is responsible for creating a great scene.
Headspace is an important consideration. I did a scene once with a lover, not knowing she was not doing well. I don’t know why I had not noticed…but fact is, I didn’t.
I know for people not of this scene, all this communication stuff seems overdone and a turnoff. But, for us/me it is exactly the opposite. The better the communication, the hotter the scene can be. After all, having the arena established leaves room for true freedom.
During the time we are creating the “dance”, I discuss and flirt. One of the questions is: “Tell me about your fantasies. Describe what is going on.”
“What do you want out of the scene? Describe to me what it would look like? What is going on? Be as specific as possible.”
“What is the flavor of the scene? Are you engaged in the activity? A participant in that you deserve this. Or did you earn it.”
If you are a TOP where does your head go? Are you looking to have certain things done? As the bottom, are their certain things the scene just has to include to make it as perfect as possible? Basically, you want to run through your fantasy in your head, this will trigger the right questions and ways to create the fantasy in real life.
I like a bottom to write me about their ideas and thoughts beforehand. That helps me understand them.
Many times I have used an interrogation type style. I have a clipboard with my list and go through it with the bottom. I may or may not.
Boundaries and limits are a topic of themselves. I will begin a little today.
STOP is not a word that bottoms seem to be comfortable with. Yet it is their most important word. The sub/bottom must learn about themselves enough to be able to somehow communicate their “limit”.
This is crucial. As I try to describe why, it occurs to me that we are mostly talking about new situations. Many relationships move way beyond this and the entire responsibility of the subs well-being is transferred to the DOM.
What this means is there is an incredible amount of weight on the TOP. You want to know exactly who they are and who they are under “all” circumstances. This takes time. There are several ways you can find this out.
1. Observe them over time
2. Talk to people in the community who’s opinion you respect
3. Check-out what their stance in the community is
4. Talk to them (but remember you are getting “their” opinion
If it is all about a short scene you want to do now… you can still find out a few things
1. Have they been around a while? What have you observed about other scenes they have done?
2. What is it about them that attracts you?
3. Ask questions
4. Look around and see if someone there knows them and ask questions
We, in the S/m community appreciate the above. We know how important it is and will attempt to help. Please be aware it is not about gossip. Do not be afraid to ask. It is about your health. And, your health is the health of our entire community.
And don’t forget. What turns you on may not turn on someone else. That is what negotiation is about. It is not about you personally. It is about whether or not it is a good match to have “fun”.
Do your fantasies match? Will you be able to create a “dance” together?
And, by talking about it, you may come to new ideas and possible pushing and expanding of your limits.
To be continued
posted by Night Hawk at 7:59 AM
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