Bullwhip FAQ

Bullwhip FAQ

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The all new PES "Samurai"

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What's in a name?

I like to give bottoms a name, just like I give a safeword. The reason is that it helps to keep the scene space just that.

Then the “real-time” personal does not as easily get confused with the “play” persona.
The name is best picked by the person I am playing with, but on occasion how we interact will bring a name to our “thing”.

SUBMITTING TO ME

1. Take the time to find out enough about me to establish a relationship of some sort…even a mini relationship….Then when you connect with me tell me of what you are interested in. Then mail me your fantasy, and after that we will talk.
2. Just because I talk with you does not mean I will see you.
3. Ask how I would like to be addressed!
4. If I do decide to give you attention, please be fastidious about your personal hygiene.
5. Be sure you have clarification on anything you might be concerned about, at least 3 days before we get together.

Realize this is “play”, I am an expert at what I do, the feelings I invoke are not real, you will feel love…that does not mean I am “in love”. I do not fall in love easily and if I do I am polyamerous!If you get it in your head that you want me for more than occasional play, you will have to earn it. You never have permission to interfere in any way in my dream.

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Public or Private Play

Many when they are at the beginning of their S/m road, believe in playing privately. They like the intimacy. I contend playing privately is a mistake. Something that is done, but seasoned players, I believe, enjoy the things that go with public play.

The first being the exhibitionism. Being able to watch a good scene, or doing one for others is Hottttttt.

You get to ride the energy of the other scenes happening in the dungeon, as well as mingle with others. Sometimes I just go to the dungeon to feed off of the energy and maybe hunt.

Now….SM and Lovers is not the same for me. So, I am careful to keep clear what I am doing and why. When a person wants to be alone with me (never mind what they think or say is the reason), it is not something I strive to accommodate. Although since I have been in the desert I have played privately more.

When I first moved to Bisbee, AZ there was a public dungeon, it, unfortunately no longer exists. There is a group in Tucson www.desertdominion.org and a group in Phoenix http://www.arizonapowerexchange.org/ and if you search you will probably find a group in your area. You may have to drive a little, but it is well worth it.

Responsibility

Responsibility

Whose responsibility is it? Of course I am looking at life from the TOP perspective. My goals come from a Dominant Heart…period.

Having said that, I want to help you understand both sides of the equation. First of all, as I have said before, everyone is responsible for himself or herself. Each, especially the Subby, needs to respect and love them.

And from there, we find them beautiful, attractive, and enticing. Hear me, think back. When you have been most desirable has been when you are settled in yourself. And, when you least expected to be “found”.

So…when you are hungry for action…you must approach it from the appropriate space. If you say to your TOP. I want to play, or lets play or whatever mundane way you put it out there ….you will turn me off that is for sure.

I have said it many times. It is really easy to get me to ….you go into role, let me feel “special” and “work” me with your energy. Learn me, as I do you. Give me the energy/respect and let me feel what you want….what you are fantasizing about. Don’t make any assumptions, let me come to you…

Then we begin the “dance”

Creating the scene is done by me as the TOP, using you to help. Usually I say to the bottom, we use your mind. In other words, I explore you and create with that. Other TOPs may do it differently, but this is how I do it.
I am very exacting and into my “role”, although I have an everyday life, my TOP persona bleeds through. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind who and what I am. I do not hide my Leather nor my queerness.

Pay It Forward...why do I take the time with you?....

Pay It Forward

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Welcome to Good Vibrations!

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Novice vs. Seasoned

We were all beginners once. Of course there are those lucky few who got to be in the S/m community when it was still called S&M…

Most of the material I see is written for the novice. And that is important. So is the fact that seasoned players need guidance.

Honesty is one of the most important parts of our community. When you are new and attracted to an olde tymer… you absolutely must be honest about the fact that this is your beginning. This honesty will make for a better scene. You can create a disaster by not “telling”.

Also, just because you are attracted to someone does not mean you are a good match. It is stupid to play with someone who is heavily into some aspect of S/m and you are into something completely different.
Those who have been around a while must be careful about falling into a routine. The advantage to a routine is you can do it backwards and forwards; the disadvantage is you can lose some of your sharpness. That, I believe, is when mistakes can happen.

Etticate

What is it and how does it work? Olde tyme Leather probably has a totally different idea about it than the “kids”. I suppose it is frustrating to me to have something be so important to me, and when I meet a chicki, well they are usually just into the feelings the whole thing produces.

What many don’t realize is that the feelings are directly related to the “how”. When we stick with “tradition” it will produce the results. Staying in role can be tedious; that is quite necessary.

Because …if we let go, and allow ourselves to be manipulated by the bottome/subby we wind up losing what we have worked so hard to accomplish. The TOP/bottom relationship is complex.

You would think it were quite easy/clear. But, it is all dependant on how clear the TOP is with themselves. How they are able hold the energy. Keep themselves under control. When the TOP looses control they also surrender their TOPness!

It is an unconscious game on the part of the Bottom. The Sub wants to know they are safe so they can let go completely. They can only do this if they are sure the DOM is able to hold the energy.

Usually it takes time for this state of being to happen. Over time we get to know each other, we watch one another in the community. Being alert to how situations are handled, creating a sense of appropriate and inappropriate for each other.

Once this has been established, the people involved begin to move as a unit. And yet, constant checkins and re-negotiation is imperative.

Yahoo! Groups : crossdressedboundandgagged

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Desert Dominion

Desert Dominion

Negotiation

Communicaiton is the basis of our community. Negotiation creates the safety net, so necessary for some of the very emotionally extreme things we do.
Most importantly, though, is your communication with yourself. You must think about what you are about to do, and why you are doing it. I mean the real reason. Think it through.

2. Think about what makes you scared

3. Think about what happens inside when you are scared.

4. How well do you know the people you are going to do S/m with? And if you don’t know them, what do you know about them?

5. How do you know they will do as they say?
S/m can take many forms. A scene is a controlled situation where everyone involved participates in the pre-negotiation and after-care.
As an experienced TOP I am concerned about the needs, desires, and limits of others. I believe TOPs have limit too!!! Each participant must know themselves. If not, the play can be disasterous. And, after all, we do this to get off. It is supposed to be enjoyable!

One of the easiest ways to clear your mind as to what you must communicate to everyone involved in your scene is to create a list right now.
Take a sheet of paper or in Microsoft Word (dunno what MAC users have as a Word Processing Program) and fold in 3 columns. Label them YES, NO, MAYBE and then you are on your way. Of course, over time some things move from one list to another, so it is a good idea to date the list.

Some topics you will want to include. And trust me, you do want to include them…for example I once played with a woman who did not tell me her mental health history….
Be sure to include information about:

1. Medication

I learned a great negotiation skill from Cleo Dubois. It is to ask, show me what you look like when the scene is working. Show me what your body looks like when the scene is not working.
An important factor is you as a bottom get nervous cause you are so attracted to the TOP. It is essential you get out of bottom space and remember this is about your total health after the scene. And, you are responsible for that. It is also a part of ensuring you have fun. You communicate what you want

Even experienced players need to negotiate. And you may have scened together before, it is necessary to check in. I personally like to keep it formal. Of course, over time, it is somewhat informal because a part of the process is feeling out eachother and building the heat/energy.
The negotiation is ongoing. Throughout the connection process from initial contact pertaining to this scene, all the way to the after calls. During the scene, the top “reads” the bottom; this is why I don’t appreciate “brave little soldiers”. I am working hard to extract these feelings from you; I would like to experience them with you.
TOPs/DOMs are not all the same, although we are very much alike. I like to ride the energy. I used to call it inviting you onto my magic carpet.
Everyone involved is responsible for creating a great scene.
Headspace is an important consideration. I did a scene once with a lover, not knowing she was not doing well. I don’t know why I had not noticed…but fact is, I didn’t.
I know for people not of this scene, all this communication stuff seems overdone and a turnoff. But, for us/me it is exactly the opposite. The better the communication, the hotter the scene can be. After all, having the arena established leaves room for true freedom.
During the time we are creating the “dance”, I discuss and flirt. One of the questions is: “Tell me about your fantasies. Describe what is going on.”

“What do you want out of the scene? Describe to me what it would look like? What is going on? Be as specific as possible.”

“What is the flavor of the scene? Are you engaged in the activity? A participant in that you deserve this. Or did you earn it.”
If you are a TOP where does your head go? Are you looking to have certain things done? As the bottom, are their certain things the scene just has to include to make it as perfect as possible? Basically, you want to run through your fantasy in your head, this will trigger the right questions and ways to create the fantasy in real life.

I like a bottom to write me about their ideas and thoughts beforehand. That helps me understand them.

Many times I have used an interrogation type style. I have a clipboard with my list and go through it with the bottom. I may or may not.
Boundaries and limits are a topic of themselves. I will begin a little today.
STOP is not a word that bottoms seem to be comfortable with. Yet it is their most important word. The sub/bottom must learn about themselves enough to be able to somehow communicate their “limit”.

This is crucial. As I try to describe why, it occurs to me that we are mostly talking about new situations. Many relationships move way beyond this and the entire responsibility of the subs well-being is transferred to the DOM.
What this means is there is an incredible amount of weight on the TOP. You want to know exactly who they are and who they are under “all” circumstances. This takes time. There are several ways you can find this out.

1. Observe them over time

2. Talk to people in the community who’s opinion you respect

3. Check-out what their stance in the community is

4. Talk to them (but remember you are getting “their” opinion
If it is all about a short scene you want to do now… you can still find out a few things

1. Have they been around a while? What have you observed about other scenes they have done?

2. What is it about them that attracts you?

3. Ask questions

4. Look around and see if someone there knows them and ask questions

We, in the S/m community appreciate the above. We know how important it is and will attempt to help. Please be aware it is not about gossip. Do not be afraid to ask. It is about your health. And, your health is the health of our entire community.

And don’t forget. What turns you on may not turn on someone else. That is what negotiation is about. It is not about you personally. It is about whether or not it is a good match to have “fun”.
Do your fantasies match? Will you be able to create a “dance” together?
And, by talking about it, you may come to new ideas and possible pushing and expanding of your limits.

To be continued

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